The Sound of Silence – Part-II Are you gracefully broken?

The overwhelming response to my blog “The Sound of Silence – Can You Hear Me Now” inspired me to write part II. I feel truly blessed to have touched so many of you, but on the same note, I feel rather unsettled by the numerous stories I have received from countless people who have also been plagued by ostracism, especially within the family circle.

So many of your stories have touched my heart and I realized that I am not alone and I am not as weak as I thought. I could empathize with each story and once again, I was able to “feel the sound of silence”.  I wanted to personally touch each and every one of you and somehow help each of you.

One thing is for sure, I know exactly how you feel and how painful the “sound of silence” can be. So, I decided to dig deeper into this topic in an effort to help create a change for the countless people feeling the sting of pain and those caught in the crossfire.

Some people wonder, what could warrant someone to write another family member off as if they didn’t exist? Often, the first thing we think of as a just cause for ostracism is drugs and/or alcohol as the culprit. Oddly enough, more often than not, the contributing factor is personality differences, misunderstandings, disagreements or third-party influence, like my story.

Through my own personal experience with this, I can tell you quite frankly that the saddest part about it is that it does not stop there. What I mean by that is, as I talked about in Part I of this blog, it is what I call the “trickle-down effect”, the estrangement becomes contagious or better stated cancerous as it spreads.

Why? Well, one or both parties look for validation or support from others. After all, everyone wants to feel included and loved and when that is lacking they look to others to find support. This leads others to feel like they are in the middle and more often than not, it isn’t even intentional.

When love, affection, and camaraderie are withheld from someone intentionally, it affects their self-esteem and feelings of belonging or the ability to have a meaningful existence. So, they draw at straws, so to say, to fill the void. The majority of people I have spoken to have concurred that they even felt distanced from others within the family circle who were not a part of the situation.

Even the strongest family members who chose to stay neutral feel the pressure because they hesitate to include one or both parties for a magnitude of reasons. This further complicates the initial issue at hand. They choose to not mention one person to the other for the sake of not being offensive or misinterpreted.

I think the worse cases of abandonment/ostracism is when divorcing parents force their children to alienate the other parent. This causes lifelong damage to the children and the other parent and often times the estrangement continues into adulthood and again becomes a part of the family dialogue.

 I’ve spent years being the “peacekeeper”. I would host family gatherings and invite everyone in hopes that they could come together and see eye to eye, even if it was just for the day. I hoped they would respect each other’s differences and just love and understand that we are all different and that is okay. This was always very stressful and unnecessary but it became the norm.  

Sadly enough, what was meant to better and improve the family as a whole, ended up being my own demise. I fell deeply into the snare of ostracism so when I write about my own person experience, it truly is from the heart. I understand clearly the dynamics involved and how it affects the entire family. I’ve seen first hand how other parties get sucked into the proverbial vacuum without even realizing what happened.

Inevitably, even with a conscious effort to mend the estrangement, it fails to remain contained. My best shot at an analogy is, we can water the seeds of greatness or we can water the seeds of negativity. Regardless, the result is growth, either positive or negative. When the later prevails then it’s hard to change or go another direction. Like weeds in a flower bed, it will quickly consume the beauty that once was and if left neglected the beautiful flowers will be consumed.

Why does it grow? Why do some people feel the need to be rather sinister and rally and encourage others to divide and join their crusade to ostracize even further? Everyone I corresponded with stated that this had occurred on more than one occasion and that the ostracizer would plant negative seeds in others and water them in an attempt to team up with them and further isolate or validate their actions. The result of this is further destruction and resentment and cancerous growth.

I have seen outsiders respond to the ostracizer with a more delicate, “walk on egg-shells” kind of approach out of fear of being cut off too. They make it clear that they fear being isolated if they step out of the proverbial line in the sand. So they make a conscious effort to “please” or “stay in their good graces”. They handle them differently than before. Every word and action is more thought out than before.

I often wonder if that is not the purpose of ostracism in the first place, to make themselves more powerful than others?  Is there a strong need to feel “control” or “domination”? Do they feel they are better than or above others? Or do they simply not know how to love and be loved or amicably deal with conflict in a loving way? Is their world black and white, do they believe grey doesn’t exist?

Another common denominator I found in chatting with those who responded to Part I is that there was a gross breakdown in communication and a lot of assuming and adding to the story. So, the plot thickens, as they say. Those who’ve had family members estranged for several years all stated the original issue at hand had changed or grown to a new magnitude.

The more time and continued separation the more the problem had been forgotten and a new story had emerged. What initially created the separation drastically changed over time simply because neither party really remembered or they picked a situation to fit their agenda in an effort to gain validation that their actions were warranted.

One thing is for certain, the more time that lapses the more widespread the issue becomes. The people who get hurt in the middle and the stress within the family circle remains cancerous.

In my own experience, I have seen this very thing happen. As I have experienced 30 years later, no one knew what happened just that it happened.  I can tell you several versions of the stories I have heard and sadly enough none of them add up. The imaginary conflict was not worthy of ostracism in the first place. The saddest part is, even in death the offense was present. And now all that is left is bitter feelings that someone could be that cold to allow death to occur without amends.

That’s not a burden I want to ever carry on my shoulders. Was that person really unworthy of love and affection? Was their side of the story or their understanding less important or meaningful? The answer is clearly this…. No!!!  because no one is devoid of value. But yet, even in death, the resentment remained and both parties lost.

An opportunity to make amends with the person will never exist again. One side of the story remains untold, which brings me to this phrase, “Just because you’re right doesn’t mean that I am wrong”.

I love this statement because anyone can’t paint a picture from one view but from a different view, the same painting can still be beautiful, yet totally different. You just have to see the whole picture. I feel that so often we tend to look through our own glasses and refuse to look from another’s perspective and that is a contributing factor to the malignant growth.

What makes a person torture another human being this way? I asked 30 people who had experienced ostracism within the immediate family this question. How do you describe the feeling of being Ostracized, in one word? Here are the responses: Hurtful (3), sad, demoralizing(5), demeaning, evil (4), wicked, gut-wrenching(2), hell (3), isolation, mean, heartbreaking (4), empty(1) & worthless.

Wow!!! In my humble opinion, that is unacceptable, period! I can relate to the feelings and can attest that these are real feelings and it is quite a roller coaster of emotional pain.

 Psychology Today, refers to ostracism or shunning as an act of bullying and says people who are ostracized suffer deeply, suffer a loss of self-esteem and depression. They also present with physical symptoms such as ulcers, a suppressed immune system, and psychological symptoms such as anxiety, psychosis and a loss of feeling valued or having a meaningful existence.

With that said, the question lies with this, Does the ostracizer feel the same? Do they feel the sting of pain too? Logically speaking it seems that they do not and that somehow they find pleasure in afflicting pain this way. I mean why would you otherwise do something so demeaning to another human being, especially one where strong love bonds once prevailed?

If it hurt you so much to do it, then why proceed?  I am sorry, but I just can’t wrap my head around that concept. If someone did or said something that really hurt or offended you, I can understand a short time of silence to keep anger at bay until a peaceful and understanding conversation can take place. I agree this can be a viable concept.

However, when too much times goes by the problem at hand grows and resentment builds, as does the dialog, most often. Two wrongs never equal one right! Then again, ostracism defies all logical reasoning.

There is a lot of information available as to the pain and anguish created by shunning/ostracism but very little as to why one would do this to another in this manner. It seems that most information available leans towards Narcissism or a strong need to feel loved and wanted, which is the exact thing that is stolen from the one being Ostracized.

So it seems rather counterintuitive and pointless. In my conversations, I learned a new term for it, “ghosting” and it is very sadly used quite often. “Ghosting” is considered a cruel rejection, a shame game and most commonly used in social media, meant to be an intentional act of “here I am, you can see me but you can’t touch or talk to me when everyone else can”.

Not only do I want you to know you are being “ghosted” but I want everyone else to know it too! It is used often in workplace settings to intentionally isolate to make a person leave or quit. What troubles me in this scenario is that generally speaking, that person is most commonly not a “bad person.” Rather, they are a strong employee and are targeted by a lessor performing employee. 

It is also used in a family circle to intentionally display isolation and discard and taunt with the “you can see me but you can’t talk to me and I want everyone else to know too” persona.  It just breaks my heart to see so many people breaking others down this way.

The damage can be unrepairable and can cause a lifetime of deep pain, low self-esteem, depression, and even suicide. It is simply a mean and hateful action that does not glorify God, His ways, His principles nor is it a display of unconditional love. Under no circumstances should we ever totally reject and isolate anyone. Grace and forgiveness, not estrangement and total discard.

I can’t fathom or make rational sense out of any of this. Maybe because I have seen and felt this pain and I can assure you that it is of the worst pains I have experienced in my life. I recall countless conversations with loved ones within my circle who have been on both sides of ostracism and I can honestly say now, I understand their emotional distress more profoundly.

This quote stands out “If you don’t heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn’t cut you”. It is just the nature of this ugly beast. Punishing someone by withholding your love and understanding and basing it on one side of the story is like giving a life sentence to a homeless man who allegedly stole a candy bar from a convenience store. No one person should be the Judge, Jury, and prosecutor. Love and emotions should not be played with like a toy or used as a form of punishment.

What is the answer? I don’t know, or I probably would not be writing this blog. Here is my take and best shot at a conclusion: When in doubt, consult the best book, The Bible! What does the bible say about this? The answer, a lot! I can come up with endless scriptures that support love unconditionally, Forgive often, do unto to others as you would have done to you, grace is your best choice, remember we are all sinners and we have been forgiven, do not condemn, live peaceably, and love one another.

Here are a few of my favorite scriptures that reflect on family and love and direct us away from this sort of behavior.

Colossians 3:13 “bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you”

Romans 14:13 Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in your brothers way.

Mathew 18:15 Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

Peter 5:5  Be clothed with humility, for “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble”

We can’t make anyone love or accept us and we can’t change the past, but we can pray for those families who struggle with these complicated and painful situations. We can pray for those whose hearts are hardened beyond what we see and understand.  We can trust in God and his promises to us that he is our source of comfort and strength and his love will guide us and see us through.  Because of God’s unconditional love we can have faith and trust that his way and his timing are best and Remember ….

Grace wins every time! 

 With Love & Grace!

Tammy Jo

I highly recommend reading the “The Bait of Satan”, by John Bevere, he goes into great links to explain how Offense is Satan’s bait to breakdown loving relationships and how you can better respond in both situations to those who offend you as well as offensives you have made unto others. Great Read and Christian based guide to healing, forgiving and although you will encounter offense, you can choose how to react.  

Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyers are two of my favorite reads. They encourage and teach us how our mindset is everything and how to focus on God and his word and refuse to let negative thoughts overpower us and how to apply God’s word to our everyday life for better living. I will forever be Grateful to Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyers for their teachings which lead me into a relationship with God that has changed my life.

Come see my favorite books at my Amazon Store! 🙂